I want you to know that i am not happy anymore. I’m not this blissfully blind bother of a bitch ive been becoming. I was lost, I was lost in nothingness, i felt numb in the best of ways. I was drowning and I stopped fighting, I just floated on top of the water while the waves were washing you farther from me. I should have known, but I was lost. Fixated on floating, with my eyes closed just soaking in the sun. Do you blame me.? I’ve never been happy. And as far as my track record goes, I had no idea how long it would last.
But I want you to know, you dont know me anymore. Not if you think that is still where I’m at. Maybe you’ve been blind awhile too. Everyone is so used to me being open that I feared this would happen. That when I did fall back apart, no one would notice. I tried to speak casually, hoping my eyes would give it away. But you think of me only as a beast these days. Who can blame you. I’ve been distant, less loyal, I haven’t been me. And you depend on that. Even when you tell yourself not to, you do. But it is so easy to forget how much you care. You are the only person I have. And you have many. I dobt think you see how much that gets to me. Or maybe you do and you dont care, you dont see why it should, you disagree so you don’t want to feel guilty. But regardless, it pains me. And causes me to be different around you. Not on purpose, I just cant help it. We are both so good with people, so good with eachother that we get lost in assumptions, we get lost in overthinking, lost in translation, baby, we are lost with eachother right now. We are in a dark room, one of us is deaf, one of us can’t speak. We are trying to communicate but can’t and we blame eachother when in reality we are both trying. I need you to know me again. I need to get back inside your head.
I want you to know that we are probably more alike now than ever. I’m dark again. dark in a new way. Similar to how you see things. Before I was alone, falling into this hole, just pbegging for a rope. Helpless. Pathetic. Now, I have people to save me from the hole. But who can save me from myself.? Now im swimming in a sea of people who look right through me. They think since they are holding the rope that i am just fine, that they are doing their jobs. I feel like no one sees me sometimes, and that was never a problem with you before. And that’s why I can’t manage to reach out. I’m not sure who I am anymore. In a different way from before. I’ve changed so much, and for the first time, im not sure I understand myself. But I know enough to know that I’m stepping backwards. Maybe too slowly for anyone to catch onto. I’m just afraid I will disappear.
I want you to know, I am a mess right now. I want you to know that no one knows this. Even the boy who holds my heart does not know what is going on inside my head. For the past few weeks I have been in this daze around him. I barely talk, I barely have opinions, I’m just there. And I don’t confide to him in everything like usual. I’m just too exhausted. Too drained to relive everything going on in my head just to inform him. It’s not worth it. Especially when it will just cause him pain. Make him feel like it is his fault. Why does everyone always think it is something they did, something they could have stopped. I’m fucking psychotic babe, its nothing personal.
I just want you to know that I’m a fucking mess right now. My life has too much going on. I sit alone all day but there is still just too fucking much going on in my head and I can’t take it. I don’t even have the money to take a break from it all by drowning in alcohol. Woe is me, oh pity pity. Jasmine is at it again. I hate being this fucking pathetic. But right now I need to get it out. And right now I need you. Even if you just not being mad at me is all you can give. Please. I can’t walk on eggshells anymore.
I forgot who I was for a long time. Or more so I remembered in a different light. But I am coming home. And my depression has a vengence. I’m sorry I was gone. And I’m sorry I forget sometimes. But you must admit you make it far too easy for me. You’re better at it than you think. But I’m not looking for skill, I’m looking for you. I love you. Please come back to me. Misery loves company.